One Police Plaza

The Summit Spoof

May 28, 2018

Desperate to resurrect his summit with Kim Jung Un [and his dreams of a Nobel Peace Prize], President Donald Trump has made Kim a secret offer: an all-expense paid visit to Mar-a-Lago, which includes three golf lessons from Tiger Woods.

A North Korean official at the highest level of its government explained that Kim had learned to play golf at the Swiss boarding school he attended as a teenager, but that Kim has been frustrated by not being able to match his father’s score at North Korea’s sole golf course, which is 30 miles from Pyongyang. The father, Kim Jong-Il, reportedly made 11 holes-in-one the first time he played there in 1994.

As a further inducement, Trump offered to build a hotel in Pyongyang, which would be the tallest building in Asia. Trump suggested the name, “The Trump–Kim Tower,” which Kim translated as “The Kim Jung Un-Trump Tower.” According to the North Korean official, Trump convinced Kim that if Trump’s name appeared first, Kim could raise room rates to extraordinary levels and secure more foreign currency.

One of the thornier issues arose when Kim told Trump, he wanted to meet Adam Johnson.

 “Who’s Adam Johnson?” Trump reportedly replied.  His advisers did a deep dive and discovered that Adam Johnson is the author of “The Orphan Master’s Son,” a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel about North Korea that anyone who contemplated visiting had best read first.

According to the North Korean official, Kim’s actual words to Trump were, “I want Adam Johnson.” Kim then suggested Trump order Johnson sent to North Korea “so that he can learn about my peace-loving nation.”

The western world’s greatest deal maker, however, was on top of his game. Recalling Otto Warmbier, whom the North Koreans imprisoned for 17 months before sending him home in a coma, Trump thought to himself, “I don’t want Adam Johnson coming back in a coffin. At least not while I’m president.”

 “Maybe you can take care of him yourself,” Kim then said. “My intelligence people say he teaches creative writing at Stanford University.”

“We don’t do things like that in America.”

“Well, what about banning his book?”

Kim was initially noncommittal about bringing his wife, Ri Sol Ju, or his sister, Kim Yo Jong. The North Korean official then informed Trump’s lawyer/coach, Rudy Giuliani, Kim would be traveling solo and that “he expressed an interest in having President Trump introduce him to ‘a very special friend.’”

“America’s Mayor,” as Giuliani was known in his salad days, understood what that meant: trouble. This was because Giuliani is a mirror image of Trump. Like Trump he is charismatic. Like Trump he loves the spotlight. Like Trump he has had three wives and is searching for more.

“What special friend?” grumbled Trump. “Haven’t I arranged three golf lessons with Tiger Woods? I can even ask Dennis Rodman to join us. However, I draw the line at Colin Kaepernick.”

Trump added: “I only pray that Kim doesn’t mean Bolton,” referring to his National Security Director John Bolton. Trump was furious at Bolton for having brought up Libya as a model for North Korea without mentioning Hillary Clinton and Benghazi.

Giuliani feared Kim’s request would enrage Trump and blow up the summit. Knowing Trump, Giuliani feared Trump would blame him.  Still, he plowed on.

“Mr. President, Kim wants you to introduce him to Stormy Daniels.”

Noting that the President hadn’t immediately moved to activate his Twitter account, Giuliani decided to go for broke. He whispered, “Mr. President, could you also introduce her to me?”